Harley laid on the beat up orange couch, dressed in a pair of skimpy pink athletic shorts and a pink sleeveless t-shirt with a pair of tube socks on her feet. Her hair was up in pigtails and she had one leg crossed over her bent knee that she bounced in time to the song playing from her phone, “Humility” by Gorillaz. While enjoying the music, she flipped through her phone and made faces as she examined the dresses some famous women were wearing at some event or other at the Gotham Orchid Orchestra. She wrinkled her nose at the pictures and stuck her bottom lip out. Joker was in his lab downstairs doing something--she wasn’t sure what, only that he had been down there for awhile and she had heard a few tiny explosions that had been followed by some strange smells.
Harley sighed, reached over for her grape soda; she sipped loudly through the straw. She was just thinking about going downstairs and hauling Joker’s ass up here to spend some time with her when the door to their private rooms suddenly burst open.
Harley nearly dumped her soda on the floor as she sat up, startled only to see Joker in the doorway wearing a purple silk cape and a pair of little, lime green speedos--and nothing else.
“Harley!!! I’m done for the night!” He struck a Superman pose in the doorway grinning from ear to ear. He had even taken the time to style his hair in a “Superman” style complete with little forehead curl.
Harley flopped down across the couch, and leaned her elbows on the arm as she gazed lovingly at her puddin. “What are you wearing?” she asked with a smile. “And were you wearing that this whole time you been working puddin?”
Joker stepped in kicking the door closed with his heel. “You like it?” He spun around for her, making sure to lift the cape so she could see his tush.
Harley purred. “Mm...I love it puddin.”
Joker giggled. “I was just wondering how Superman wanders about in pajamas all the time. Not sure about the speedos, but I do love the cape.”
He posed dramatically a few times.
Harley pushed herself up on her knees. “Mm...I like it--shows more skin!”
She put her hands out making gimme motions with her fingers. Joker chuckled and flounced over to her and into her arms, the two of them collapsing onto the couch.
“I also came up to tell you sweets, that I have come up with a new Joker gas!” He grinned while Harley laid her head against his bare chest, caressing his stomach while he spoke to her.
“Oh?” she asked, her eyes closed.
“Yep I did. It’s pink, smells like bubblegum and makes you shit your pants.” Joker started to laugh. Harley sat up with a gasp. “Puddin you didn’t??”
He grinned. “Oh I did. Let’s see the Dark Knight walk away from that bomb with some dignity after he has been afflicted with a spastic colon!!”
He broke down into laughter with Harley giggling along with him. He took a few breaths to calm himself before he grinned at her. “So I thought I could come up here and convince my girl to have some “congratulations sex” with me.” He waggled his eyebrows at her. “Especially since I am wearing my seductive outfit.”
Harley giggled hopping up and quickly straddling his lap. She tugged playfully on one side of his cape. “Oh you did, did you?”
Joker’s grin widened. “I did. I mean, working in the lab is great. Coming up with something new is fantastic...but sex with you is even better.”
Harley grinned wide. “Well, I should hope so!”
Joker grabbed her around the waist, quickly twisted around to push her into the cushions of the couch. He climbed on top of her, pressing her into the cushions. He kissed her hard, his tongue sliding hungrily between her lips. Harley moaned softly, running her hands down his pale sides, pressing her fingers into his flesh. Hers, he was all hers. Harley grinned. She loved thinking that and knowing it was true.
As her hands glided down his sides, she could feel the places where the smoothness of his skin was disrupted by the rise of scars, nearly all of them given to him by Batman or because of Batman. Harley let her anger simmer; she hated Batman, but getting to see him suffer with some poopy problems made her giggle. It was the very least that the Bat deserved.
Joker bit her chin with a playful growl. “What are you laughing about sweets?”
“Just imagining Batman puddin, after you set off your gas.” Harley purred slowly and reached up the play with the ties of his cape.
Joker grinned, though that quickly turned into a frown at the thought of Batman. “No more Batman talk pumpkin, ruins the moment.”
Harley smiled. “Sure thing puddin.”
He grabbed her face in his hand, holding her cheeks painfully for a moment and staring down at her. Harley went still. Sometimes his moods could change dramatically from one time to the next. He never hurt her, but there was never any reason to push him, to test his limits when he gave her a look like that. That darkness that dwelled in him could rise up unexpectedly and lash out. Luckily it was unleashed upon Batman or a few henchmen--never her.
“No Batman...all right?” He said it again, but this time his voice was firm.
He stared at her for a long moment, his blue eyes flashing. Harley relaxed, looking back at him with a calm smile, her eyes focused fully on him. She licked her lips slowly, her gaze gentle.
“You know I only love you puddin. I only want you.”
He waited, his eyes moving back and forth as if he were looking for something behind her words. She knew sometimes, though he would never say it, he worried that he wasn’t enough for her. It was ridiculous! But sometimes he actually thought that way. She knew exactly how to handle those moments, few and far between that they were...and she simply told him the truth.
“I only want you puddin,” she said again a smile on her lips. “You know it's only you.” She dropped her voice to a soft whisper. “I love only you, my Joker.”
Joker stared into her eyes for a few seconds more before he calmed and tilted her face to the side. Harley made a small squeal of excitement that turned into a groan when he ran the flat of his tongue up her cheek. Harley squealed with delight, wiggling under him.
Joker growled deep in his throat sending shivers up her spine. “It does?”
Harley giggled; she knew what was coming. “Yes it does!”
Joker chuckled. “Well, we can’t have that!”
He leaned in and started to slowly, tenderly, nibble down the length of her throat sending goosebumps over her skin. He nipped at her throat, then stopped and blew a raspberry against her neck.
Harley shivered before she burst out into a laugh. “Puddin!!”
Joker chuckled against her skin and continued his playful nibbling down her throat, mixed with a few loud raspberries against her skin, his fingers around her face easing as he made his way down to her chest. He shoved her t-shirt up over her breasts, taking the cotton bra she had been wearing with the t-shirt, shoving all of it up at once to expose her breasts. The room wasn’t cold, but the sudden exposure to the air sent a chill over her skin, raising goosebumps all over her.
Joker licked his lips, grinning widely.
“Mm...so pink Harley!”
She giggled. “Pink?”
Joker shifted to rest on an elbow, gingerly touching the the nipple of one breast. “So pink, pretty pink,” he murmured while he stroked her nipple with the tip of his nose, his hot breath caressing her skin and followed by a lick of his tongue.
Harley’s groin tightened. A ripple, a tickle so deep that it made her want to grind her teeth, rolled over her, caused her to arch with pleasure. His tongue felt so good, so deliciously terrible in its teasing…
“I think pink might be my new favorite color,” he said softly, leaning down closer to her breast, his breath hot against her skin yet cooling where he had left her skin wet with his tongue. “Like pink cream and strawberries.”
Joker giggled softly and dragged his tongue once more over her nipple. Harley gasped, the wet warmth, the smooth texture of his tongue, sent shivers that ran deep. She craved his touch. She ran her fingers through his hair while he sucked and licked her breasts. He laid a hand along her waist, squeezing gently before his fingers began a slow descent, caressing over the flat planes of her stomach, tracing the band of her shorts, raising goosebumps over her flesh. He played with the band of her shorts, sliding just the tips of his fingers under the band, running his fingers back and forth teasingly before he dragged his fingers back up her stomach. He pressed the flat of his black painted nails against her skin, leaving red marks on her flesh.
Joker bit at her soft skin, catching her nipple gently between his perfect teeth, teasing as he flicked the tip of his tongue over her nipple. Harley let out a loud moan and caressed his hair, stroking her fingers through the green locks. She tugged slowly while dragging one sock covered foot up his bare leg, her other hand caressing his arm. She writhed as he sucked and bit her, exploring every round inch of her breasts. She arched her back while he pulled at her breasts, using one hand to squeeze her breasts together, pressing his face between her breasts as he giggled softly. “Mm...best reward for a hard day in the lab.”
Harley giggled and squirmed under his sweet attentions. “Mmm...Puddin…such a hard worker.”
He sucked on the side of each breast until he was happy with the marks he had left behind. Harley dragged her teeth across her bottom lip, sliding her legs together as the ache in her groin intensified.
Joker laid his head between her breasts, sliding his hand once more down her stomach, stopping to press and grab at her soft skin while he said in a husky voice, “I just want to squeeze you Harley. I want to wrap myself around you, in you...to feel you all over me. To be inside you, shoving, thrusting, fucking...” He growled with a ripple that made her swoon.
Harley groaned breathlessly in response. “Oh puddin--I want that too.”
She felt his fingers once more at the band of her shorts. He didn’t hesitate this time, he slipped his fingers under the band grinning when he discovered she wore no panties.
Joker’s smile was beautiful as he lifted his head to gaze at her face. “Ah...my pumpkin pie, just waiting for Daddy.”
His chuckled, pressed his long, sharp nose against the warm underside of her breasts while taking a deep breath through his nose, smelled the scent off her skin. He licked her skin at the same time that his long fingers slid under the band of her shorts, snaking deeper down between her legs, wiggling until he found her clitoris.
Harley groaned and rolled her head back.
Joker cooed. “Mm...my good, sexy girl.” He dragged his tongue over her breast, flicked his tongue over her nipple just before he began to suckle her breast, pulling her nipple into his mouth before rolling his tongue over her sending shivers over her skin. His followed this by rubbing his fingers up and down before pressing the pad of his middle finger against her clitoris, twirling his finger in a slow circle. He continued to circle her clitoris. Slow circles followed with rubbing her up and down before he circled his fingers over and inside her again.
Harley hissed, arching her body into his touch.
Joker grinned. Harley could feel it against her breast, the wide grin that spread across his face, the light feel of his teeth on her nipple, his fingers pressing down harder, rolling in a circle, then caressing up and down. She dropped her hips an inch, then arched her hips into his touch again, her breath coming in gasps as she began to thrust in time to his touch.
Joker purred. “Yes Harley, come for me Harley.”
She moaned loudly as he dipped his finger into her, thrusting deep, then added a second finger, only just teasing her inner walls with his thrusting fingers. She groaned, pushing back in time to the piercing of his fingers, her whole body responding to his touch. Then, just when she thought she might reach climax, Joker pulled his fingers away.
She gasped and pouted.
Joker laughed. “Silly.” He murmured then, “Pretty Harley…” and started to rub her clitoris again, his fingers wet with her while he rubbed up and down before returning to his rolling and circling. Joker started rubbing his fingers against her faster. Harley’s body tensed. She was moaning and tossing her head, her body seeming out of her control as she thrust at him with need. Each time she was close he would dip his fingers into her and thrust, biting or sucking her breast each time until Harley was ready to scream.
Joker giggled, pleased with himself. She was so wet and writhing on the couch, her fingers spasming as she grasped at him, holding on, then releasing him to throw her arms above her head and grab the arm of the couch crying out with both pleasure and frustration.
Joker smiled, finally keeping his fingers against her clitoris to rub and roll, using her natural, slick, wonderful wetness to slide his fingers over her until he heard her breath hitch as she started to pant in little stutters, mixed with little high-pitched gasps and whines. Harley’s body thrust harder against him, quicker in time to his touch until she gasped, her body going tight and arching up off the couch, her sock covered toes pointing, pressing against his legs as she climaxed.
Joker started to chuckle, pleased with himself and her response.
“Mmm...such a good girl.” His murmured words mixed with his pleased chuckles. He slowly brought his hand out from her shorts, sitting up on the elbow of his other hand to show Harley his wet fingers which he put in his mouth with a pleased expression.
“Mmm…” He moaned softly.
“Oh puddin...uh, you are so good.” Harley shivered with pleasure.
Joker sat up, disentangling himself from her embrace to sit up on his knees, with one leg on the floor. He put his hands on her legs, caressing them slowly as he grinned brightly. His cape, which she had untied, dangled off one shoulder.
“Now for the main event!!”
Harley pushed herself up on her elbows. “Oh no.”
“No?” Joker frowned looking not just confused, but disappointed. “No nookie?” he stuck his bottom lip out. “But…”
Harley pushed herself up, grabbing his hips and directed him off the couch. With his bottom lip still sticking out, Joker stood up looking like a child who had been told there would be no dessert.
“But pumpkin…” he started as Harley moved him to stand in front of her.
“Shush,” she commanded.
Joker stopped pouting to lift a brow at her.
She smiled, pulling her top and bra off to toss them to the floor. She didn’t get up; instead she arched her body and pushed her shorts and panties off, along with her socks. Joker watched her with intense interest, his pout turning into a grin. He loved her even more when she was naked, all soft pink skin, sensual curves he loved to explore with his mouth and tongue.
Harley directed him forward, between her spread legs. Joker’s grin widened more as he gazed over her nudity with excitement.
Harley ran her hands down over his flat stomach, eagerly caressing his white pale skin. She grinned at the bulge in his speedos, sliding her thumbs over him; Joker hissed with a sharp intake of breath.
“Harley…” He murmured her name softly.
She smiled up at him, caught the sides of the speedo, and began to slowly pull the cloth down, easing it over his erection. She made a squeak of delight when he “popped” free. She pulled the speedos down to his knees; from there Joker shifted a little until they fell to the floor.
Harley purred, rubbing her hands over him, sliding and caressing her fingers over the flat plane of his stomach, caressing gently around his erection before she started to stroke her hands over him slowly, her fingertips playing over the sensitive skin of his penis with a smile.
“Mm...you are so pretty puddin,” she said softly.
Joker giggled. “Really?”
She looked up and nodded vigorously. “Yes puddin! You have a gorgeous penis!! I’ve seen a few and yours is the most beautiful.” She continued to caress him with her fingertips, stopping only when she wrapped her hand around him as she leaned forward to trace her lips over the head of his erection.
He had started to say something about where and who’s penis she had seen because he was going to kill them, but he lost the thought as soon as the silky softness of her lips touched his erection.
Joker leaned his hips forward with a groan, watching Harley as she caressed the tender skin just above his shaft while her lips and tongue played gently over him. She kissed the head of his shaft gently, pressing her lps to him while her tongue flicked over the small slit, pressing deeper and tasting just a little of his cum on her tongue. Joker reached down and stroked her hair, reaching to grab her pigtails playfully while she rolled her wet tongue over him in a slow circle, coating the velvet soft skin of the head of his erection with her saliva just as she started to move her hand up and down his shaft while sliding her other hand lower to cup his scrotum. She squeezed gently. Joker groaned loudly, holding onto her pigtails and alternately running his fingers through her blonde hair as he arched into her attentions, moaning her name as he did so.
She smiled and very slowly, lowered her mouth on him, pressing her lips just right as she moved down his erection, taking all of him into her mouth, then very slowly back up. She went back and forth, up and down slowly, coating him in her saliva until he was slippery, slick.
She glanced up at him grinning at his reaction, his complete surrender to her. She stopped only a few times to run her tongue over his head, tasting the sticky cum as he jerked, trying not to orgasm.
Harley glanced up at him with a smile, knowing he was struggling. She squeezed his balls in her hand, then stroked her thumb over them lovingly. When he glanced down at her Joker groaned. Her blue eyes were bright and she was smiling while her tongue rolled over him just before she slid her perfect lips back down and made him groan out loud again.
She giggled and stopped only to rub the pad of her finger over his head, playing with the slit there, then rubbing the emerging drop of cum up and down his length.
Joker watched her intently, the way she smiled at him, her lips when she pressed them against his pale member. He jerked when she kissed him, wrapping her lips around him and slowly eased his entire length into her mouth again.
He groaned loudly, grabbing her head and pulling on her pigtails harder. “Harls...uh…”
She pulled her lips up slowly, alternating with the tips of her teeth, squeezing his balls at the same time until he thought he was seeing stars.
Joker shuddered with the effort to hold himself back from an orgasm.
When she released him he quickly took a step back, his breathing ragged. He grinned at her, struggling to catch his breath. “Oh, you are so good.”
Harley giggled laying back on the couch and spreading her legs. “Okay puddin--now nookie.”
He giggled wrinkling his nose at her. “Baby, you are the greatest!”
Harley squeaked as she held her arms out and Joker dropped to his knees to push her legs up and back at the same time he slid into her.
They both groaned together.
Joker yanked her to the edge of the couch cushion, directing her legs up over his shoulder. Harley slid down on the couch, slouching back and wrapped her fingers around the cushion edge as Joker pressed his hands against her thighs and thrust into her.
His fingers dug hard into her skin as his rhythmic pace into and almost out of her increased.
Harley whimpered with pleasure as he pierced deep into her, and listened to the sound of their flesh slapping together as he fucked hard and fast, burying himself as deeply as possible into her. He slid his hands up to grab her knees, squeezing. Harley squealed and laughed at the touch.
Joker snorted with laughter and tickled her knees again while she bounced slightly with each of his thrusts.
Harley giggled and gasped almost simultaneously, then reached up to slap his hands away from her knees. “Stop it!”
Joker chuckled. “I like your laugh Harls. I can feel it deep down and your breasts jiggle! Sexy and cute!” He waggled his eyebrows at her.
She laughed and arched off the couch, her legs curling to pull him closer; she crossed her feet behind his head and Joker leaned his head back with a smile, thrusting his pelvis forward while sliding his hands down her legs only to move his hands under her rear and lift her up slightly.
Harley cried out as the new angle allowed him to hit her just right. Within moments, an orgasm burst like a firework and raced up through her body with a pleasurable tingle she could feel everywhere. She panted for breath and brought one of her hands up to grab at him, digging her fingers into his hips with one hand while with the other she dug into the couch cushion just as another wave of pleasure rolled over her. She groaned and panted again...the more thrusts Joker angled into her, the more waves of pleasure she felt until she was only her pleasure--everything else that was Harley was gone, the focus solely on the pleasurable waves Joker was creating.
Joker groaned, squeezed her hips, thrust harder, her fluids coating him in her warmth until he just couldn’t hold back any more. He ground his teeth together, thrust deep into Harley and hissed as his body tensed, throbbing as he came with an explosive burst of pleasure that raced up his body as he drained himself into her before he collapsed forward against her.
Harley wrapped her legs around him as he shifted a little to allow her to bring her legs off his shoulders. He nuzzled her close, his face between her breasts.
“I like congratulations sex,” he mumbled between her breasts, his eyes closed.
Harley giggled stroking his green hair with a contented sigh. “Mm...me too puddin.”
A little while later the two of them were lying on the couch, the TV’s light was the only illumination in the room. The glow danced over them as they lay naked on the couch together, Joker on his back smoking a cigarette, with Harley on her side, her back against the back of the couch, her head on his chest. They were watching the news as they contemplated what they wanted to eat for dinner when a story came on the local news.
“Playboy Billionaire Bruce Wayne welcomed the royal newlyweds from Liechtenstein, Prince Leonardo and Princess Helena, to Gotham this morning. The prince and princess will be touring our great city over the next four days. They shall be visiting the Gotham Hospital, they will take a ship around the Gotham coastline, a visit to the Gotham Academy--where Bruce Wayne has provided many students with full scholarships--and a performance from the Gotham Orchestra. But tonight there will be a reception at Wayne Manor for the young couple with 200 of Gotham’s wealthiest and most influential in attendance, including Chief of police James Gordon, Mayor Anthony Garcia as well as the Gotham Rogues. There will be a ceremony tomorrow in which Prince Leonardo and Princess Helena will be made honorary royalty of Gotham. There will also be…”
Joker frowned narrowing his eyes and tossed his cigarette butt at the TV.
“Royalty, PSSST…” He turned away with a pout. “Gotham only has one Prince and Princess that’s us, the Clown Prince and Princess of Gotham….no no no no...wait…” He sat up causing Harley to mutter since she was very comfortable, but she simply sighed letting him continue.
“We are the King and Queen of Gotham!!” He tittered with glee then settled back down on the couch. “Stupid Bruce Wayne, inviting them to Gotham, planning some super expensive stupid party…with stupid rich people...” He scowled and hugged Harley closer.
Harley smiled pressing her cheek to his chest. She ran the tips of her nails along his chest grinning when his skin goosebumped.
“We could go to the party puddin…” Harley said softly.
Joker murmured. “We could go to the party….we could go to the part…”
He sat up again speaking louder and once more knocking Harley off her comfortable spot.
“Harls! You’re a genius! We are going to go to the party!”
Harley squealed and clapped her hands. “What are we going to do?? What are we going to wear!?”
She hopped up naked and wiggled with excitement, completely distracting Joker from his train of thought as he watched her breasts jiggle, her hips...her legs…
Joker shook his head hard and growled. “Stop doing that!”
Harley pouted and stopped. “Stop doing what puddin?”
“The jiggling, it's very distracting...makes me want to forget about the insult from Bruce Wayne and that stupid prince, and stay here and cuddle and other things.” He pouted, but Harley quickly sat down next to him again. “OH puddin...we can play when we get home.” She leaned close, her lips against his ear and whispered. “You could tie me up, puddin, tie me to the bed…” She turned his head, licked his lips, slid her tongue between his lips.
Joker grinned and caught her tongue playfully with his teeth. He held her there for a moment before releasing her with a hissed. “I like tying you to the bed.”
“I know.” She smiled. “I like you tying me up.” She stood up then. “We should shower and dress if we are going to a party, maybe test out your gas?”
Joker’s eyes lit up like a child’s on Christmas morning. “My gas! Yes!”
He hopped up and grabbed Harley’s hands. “Let’s get dressed, and get Bob...we’ll let Frost have an evening off. Beside, Bob will appreciate the running us around more.”
Harley giggled. “He’ll get to wear his new tutu!”
That evening at Wayne Manor, Bruce Wayne walked around the ballroom, smiling, shaking hands, exchanging cheek kisses. He hated this, hated not being on the streets of Gotham, hated playing nice, and hated hosting a party, but, it was expected of Bruce Wayne.
The prince and princess of Liechtenstein were actually quite nice, but Bruce had a feeling the prince smiled less than he did. Bruce had watched the prince; he had little humor, he smiled little and laughed less, and his demeanor was what Bruce would label as uptight. His wife, on the other hand, was sweet, with a ready smile and seemed genuinely interested in everyone she met.
Bruce sighed, grabbed a glass of champagne before the waiter who was walking by could disappear. The strings quartet he had hired were playing Josef Rheinberger’s String Quartet No. 1. He could see the prince and princess currently speaking with the mayor in a corner of the room, while other guests milled around eating, drinking, laughing. He sighed again, looking toward the windows when a smooth female voice purred behind him.
“Poor little rich boy doesn’t like his party?”
Bruce turned to see Selina, dressed in a gorgeous figure hugging, floor length, black dress, sleeveless so that it showed off her toned arms, while her short pixie style hair was styled to frame her face. Her make-up not only accentuated her dark eyes with a cat-eye liner, but her lips were a deep, dark red that made Bruce want to kiss her. She was holding a champagne glass that was half full and a roasted grape and bleu cheese bruschetta hor d’oeuvre in her other hand.
Bruce grinned when he saw her. He watched with fascination as she took a bite out of the hor d’oeuvre. “You here to rob the royalty?”
She chuckled. “I’m off tonight. I heard Batman was taking the night off and Bruce Wayne invited me to a party. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, just...twitchy I suppose.” Bruce muttered shoving a hand into the pocket of his expensive suit as he downed most of the champagne in one gulp.
“Oh I know what it is, you want to be out on those rooftops,” she said quietly with a smile as she carefully hooked her arm with his while holding the champagne, and started to walk him over to one of the large windows that looked out onto the Wayne estate.
He wrinkled his nose. “I suppose I do.”
She bumped his hip with hers. “Bruce, it's good to take a night off you know, mix with royalty…even the Joker takes a night off once in a while.”
Bruce smiled. “It’s nicer with you here.”
She gave him a big smile when she noticed movement out of the corner of her eyes. She couldn't be sure from here, but she thought she saw a couple of figures dash by a window outside. She thought maybe she had just seen a couple of guests sneaking off for a little fun. They seemed to be dressed in nice clothing, but it was hard to tell, they disappeared so quickly. Selina frowned and stepped closer to the window just as a roar of an engine started and she saw a solid black Bugatti Chiron turn and jump over the flowers that lined the Wayne driveway.
Bruce glanced over and frowned at the expression on Selina’s face a second before he heard the roar of the Chiron. He looked outside as he saw his new car jump over the flowers and turn on the front lawn, ripping up the grass.
Bruce gasped, which quickly drew attention from a number of nearby guests. He smiled. “Sorry--just swallowed wrong.” He smiled as Selina patted his back.
He watched in astonishment, horror, and no small amount of anger as the car ripped back and forth across the lawn, tearing up grass, twisting around and ripping up bushes before leaping back onto the path and heading to the gate, which had been left open tonight.
Selina hissed. “Let it go Bruce. Call the police quietly after the party, but right now act like nothing has happened or this is going to be all over the papers. They got the car, they would be fools to try for the others. Besides, most of them are limos, only yours was truly worth a lot of money.”
Bruce stared out the window and sighed. “I just bought that car.”
Selina giggled. “Well, someone certainly has balls on them. Coming to a house crawling with security to steal your car.”
Bruce sighed again and wondered where that paid-for security was right now.
Selina grinned while she rubbed his back. “Hey, they probably won’t be back, so relax, it's not like you can’t afford to buy another one.”
“Not the point Selina,” Bruce muttered.
There were two guards standing outside the front doors of the manor when the car took off and started to speed around the yard. They hadn’t seen anyone enter the premises who shouldn’t be there, no one had left yet. One guard, a large man with a crooked nose from a number of breaks, who now leaned in the doorway across from his friend, glanced out at the Bugatti then back at his friend. “Should we call the cops or let Mr. Wayne know?”
The other guard ran his tongue over his teeth and made a sucking noise before he answered. “Nah, we ain't’ getting paid to watch the cars, just the doors. Besides, those rich people are crazy. I bet it's one of them.”
The man with the broken nose didn’t look convinced, especially since no one had come out this way, but his friend was the senior guard, and they had already been paid--just to watch the door. He shrugged and resumed leaning on the door frame.
Outside, pressed against the front of Wayne Manor, Joker was dressed in a black tuxedo with a green vest, yellow flower and purple handkerchief, a pair of two-tone black and purple wing-tipped oxfords, with purple and green argyle socks. His green hair was slicked back, his lips bright red. He giggled and looked up at the window above them before he flipped open the messenger bag he was carrying.
Harley was next to him, wearing a sleeveless little red dress with a deep v-neck and a slit in the side that went all the way to her hip. She had on a pair of little black short-shorts, knee-high black boots, her hair piled up in a complicated coif on her head while a few thick curls laid loose around her face framed her pretty features. She had her makeup done in a smokey eyes style, with red lips like her puddin. Her hair was held in place with a couple of black hair sticks. She adjusted the messenger pack at her hip.
Joker giggled. “Joker, super spy has managed to remain undetected.”
“And his sidekick, Harley, the femme fatale remains at his side.” Harley giggled.
Joker glanced at her grinning with all his teeth. “Femme fatale...definitely. I think I want you to leave the boots on tonight Harls, when I tie you up.”
Harley giggled. “Whatever you want Joker 007.”
Joker chuckled. “Bob looked like he was having so much fun in the car.”
Harley smiled. “He did. I didn’t think he was going to fit in there at first…”
Joker nodded. “Me either baby, me either.”
He looked up one more time at the orange light bleeding out from the party inside. “Ready toots?”
Harley rustled around in her bag, the clink of several cans followed before she came up with a can of green spray paint. “Yup!”
Joker giggled and pulled out his own can of spray paint. “Let’s decorate the Wayne manor for a royal visit.”
Joker started with his favorite by writing “HA! HA! HA!” in bright purple as many times as he could across the bottom of the house, stepping all over the spring flowers in the flower bed as he did so.
“You know sweets, it's really nice that Brucie has all these outside lights to help us see our artwork.” Joker mused as he took a step back to admire his art.
Harley, who was spray painting hearts and smiley faces, switched the colors of paint from green to red with a can in each hand, and smiled as she worked. “It sure is puddin; makes it way easier to see what we’re doing.”
Joker chuckled and switched cans. He studied the blank spot in front of him as he shook the paint can. He had walked down about fifteen feet from Harley to give himself enough clear space on the front of the house.
Joker hissed quietly. “Harley--what should I draw?”
Harley, who was writing “Bruce Wayne sucks” glanced over at Joker with a slight frown. “Do the classics,” she offered. “Draw a penis.”
Joker giggled. “The classics, ah, this is why I love you.”
Harley’s smile was bright with happiness. “Love you too puddin.”
He kept his giggling low as he drew the biggest purple penis he could, alternating colors to emphasize details such as semen spurting out in his creation. He drew tiny winged penises to accompany his masterpiece hoping to give it that classical feel.
Harley rushed over to him when she heard Joker giggling and snorting on the verge of having a laughing fit.
She stopped when she was beside him and turned to look at his picture, her eyes bugging with glee just before she choked with laughter. “Oh puddin, that is a beautiful winged penis. I really like all the little ones too. Little angel winkies.”
Joker grinned pleased with himself. “I agree.”
“We should draw more!” Harley giggled excitedly.
Joker grinned. “Let’s write “Bruce Wayne is a penis.””
“Oh let’s!” Harley giggled.
Together the two of them began filling the space where they were painting with as many winged penises as they could while also writing that “Bruce Wayne is a penis” and “Joker and Harley were here!” surrounded by little hearts.
Selina smiled as the quartet began to play Johann Pachelbel’s Canon in D. “Dance with me Bruce, it’ll relax you.”
Bruce didn’t look like he wanted to dance and he definitely didn’t look relaxed.
“Oh come on Bruce.” Selina begged. “Stop grumping and come on, you’ll get your car back or the insurance will allow you to get a new one. Look, the prince and princess are dancing. Come on you old stick in the mud.”
Bruce sighed. “Fine.”
Selina smiled, took his hand, and led him out toward the quartet where an impromptu dance floor had been made as the guests moved out of the way for the prince and princess. When the two royal guests saw Bruce and Selina they both smiled and nodded. Soon, other guests started to join them.
In the hall of Wayne Manor, Joker dragged one of the guards to the hall closet which Harley held open for him. This guard was one he had punched hard enough in the face with his surprise attack that Joker had rebroken the man’s nose and knocked the guard’s head against the frame of the doorway with enough of an impact that he had knocked the man out. Joker struggled to stuff the man’s unconscious body inside the closet, along with the other guard whom Harley had knocked out with a can of spray paint sprayed to the face, followed by a hard hit with the can itself.
Joker muttered. “Ugh, this music! Makes me want to shoot someone!”
Harley lifted the unconscious man’s feet, helping Joker to roll the guard into the closet. The two men looked like parts of a jigsaw puzzle making Harley wonder if they had broken any limbs getting them inside.
“Puddin, we both agreed no killing tonight.” She put her hands on her hips as he shut the door.
Joker scowled. “Yes, yes...testing the new gas. Plus we didn’t bring any guns.”
Harley walked over and put her arms around his neck and rubbed her nose against his with a smile. She stuck her bottom lip out. “Don’t be a grumpy clown. You get to tie me up later.”
Joker looked at her with his bottom lip stuck out. “You’re right baby.”
She smiled and kissed him. Joker wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, deepening the kiss. The party and the fact that they were standing in the open faded away as they kissed each other. He reached down to squeeze her rear with both hands, making Harley squeal.
Joker chuckled. “Got your mask?”
Harley stepped out of his arms and pulled open her messenger bag. She withdrew a little compact gas mask, painted bright red. “Right here puddin.”
Joker pulled his own purple and green mask out. Together they pulled the masks over their heads and secured them in place. Harley reached out and adjusted his, while Joker reached over and adjusted hers. The green haired man then pulled out four canisters, each painted a bright bubblegum pink with smiley faces. He handed two canisters to Harley, his voice now slightly muffled by the mask.
Bruce spun Selina out slowly before he pulled her back into his arms again. They danced slowly next to the prince and princess.
The prince turned toward Bruce with a smile. “This is a lovely and elegant party Mr. Wayne. I must admit, I was worried about an American party, but you have shown that you are both cosmopolitan and sophisticated. Thank you very much for your hospitality.”
Bruce smiled. “Thank you Prince Leonardo, Princess Helena. I have strived to make your visit not just enjoyable, but to reflect well on the residents of Gotham.” Leonardo frowned slightly. “I had heard many stories about Gotham, about costumed villains, vigilantes…”
Bruce frowned. “We do have a few, but…”
“WELCOME TO GOTHAM PRINCE AND PRINCESS OF…”
Joker, wearing his gas mask, stopped and turned to Harley, who was wearing hers. “Where are they from?” he asked in what was a conspiratorial gesture, but was still loud.
“Liechtenstein puddin.” Harley said from behind her gas mask.
“Oh, yes from LIECHTENSTEIN!!” Joker laughed.
Bruce groaned as he pressed his fingers to his forehead. “No. Not now.”
He felt Selina move away from him, but when he turned to find her, she was gone. Just like that, in the blink of an eye, Selina had disappeared.
Bruce started to step forward toward the clowns. “Now just one minute.”
Gordon rushed toward the pair, though he was unarmed. “Joker! Harley! You are under arrest!”
Joker laughed. “Oh please Gordie!! All right you guys, the elite, the upper crust of Gotham.” He said all this while he wiggled his shoulders. “Well, I have something to tell you: Harley and I are the King and Queen of Gotham!!! Not only should we have been invited to this here shindig,” (he put on a thick, over the top Southern accent), “but there are no other Princes, Princesses or Kings and Queens in Gotham--ever. Other than the two of us. Just so you all remember.”
The prince grabbed Bruce’s arm. “What is going on?”
Bruce turned. “I assure you Prince Leonardo, everything will be fine.”
Joker laughed again. “Now I shall grace you with a song!!”
Harley giggled and together they started to sing.
“When you're sliding into first
And your pants begin to burst
That's diarrhea, diarrhea
When you're sliding into two
And your pants are filled with goo
That's diarrhea, diarrhea”
The guests were starting to mutter and look confused. Some had clearly annoyed expressions on their faces.
The Prince hissed at Bruce. “We are leaving.”
Bruce had started to go toward the clowns, but Gordon--who was in the process of yelling into his phone--grabbed Bruce’s shoulder. “I’m calling the police!”
The mayor stepped forward, hands out toward Joker and Harley. “Now that’s enough. There is no reason we can’t discuss your demands like reasonable people.”
Joker and Harley kept singing, ignoring everyone and threw their four canisters into the ballroom. The canisters hit the polished floor and almost instantly began to spin around in place, spraying out clouds of bright, bubblegum pink gas. The smoke filled the room rapidly with a light pink haze, obscuring everyone’s vision. Someone screamed and the guests began to panic.
Joker and Harley continued to sing while holding hands.
“It comes out of your bum
like a bullet from a gun
runs down your leg
like a scrambled egg
Then someone else made a sound, followed by someone crying. “Noo…”
Bruce felt it too, the gas had smelled like bubblegum. He tried to hold his breath, but he knew that such a tactic was not always successful. It had only taken a few moments for his insides to make that horrible groaning twist.
Prince Leonardo hissed. “Bathroom--where is your bathroom!”
His wife grabbed her stomach. “Leo?”
Joker grabbed Harley’s upper arm when he saw the gas was working. He giggled, yanking her backwards.
“Come pumpkin. I don’t think I really want to see what is going to happen! I’m actually not really sure what is going to happen...could kill them all, actually. Wouldn’t that be delightfully funny?!”
Joker tugged on her hand and together they fled the manor and made their way down the path to the gates were Bob was waiting for them in the car he had dropped them off in earlier at the gates, a small, nondescript, grey Honda Fit.
Joker laughed and hopped into the car beside Bob after depositing Harley in the backseat.
“Home Bob!! You got the car stashed?”
Bob, who was wearing a rainbow tutu with a pair of silver glitter ball wiggling stalks on his bald head, grinned brightly.
“Did you have fun driving it?” Harley leaned forward as Bob hit the gas. Bob smiled brightly and nodded vigorously.
“Aw puddin, maybe we should let Bob keep it?” Harley stuck her lip out.
Joker frowned. “We would, but it's a little...conspicuous Harls.”
Harley and Bob both pouted.
Joker sighed tossing his hands up in the confined space. “Fine! You just have to paint it, okay?”
Bob grinned and Harley leaned over to wrap her arms around Joker’s neck and plant several kisses on his face. Joker chuckled and shoved her off playfully. “Yes, yes, I know I’m wonderful.”
Then he grabbed Harley before she sank into the back seat and pressed a kiss to her lips before he announced. “Home Bob!”
The next morning, Harley was sitting cross-legged on the couch eating a bowl of brightly colored cereal wearing nothing but a green t-shirt and panties. Joker sat next to her in his boxers and nothing else, his hair looking as if he had just gotten out of bed, his arm around Harley pulling her close to lean against her as they watched the Gotham morning report. The two anchors were a young man with dark brown skin and fashionable dark hair who sat next to a young blonde woman who looked as if her smile was painted on. The young man, Derek, began the broadcast.
“And in local crime news, the party for Prince Leonardo and Princess Helena of Liechtenstein held by Bruce Wayne at Wayne Manor, took an unexpected turn when the Joker and Harley Quinn showed up.”
Joker grinned and Harley elbowed him. “We’re on the news puddin!”
“The two clowns graffitied Wayne Manor…”
The news showed some of the graffitti, but blurred the penises as best they could. Joker pointed at the TV set. “Look at that! They blurred my beautiful penis!”
Harley giggled reaching down between his legs and squeezed. “No they didn’t puddin.”
Joker jumped a little, then grinned as she continued to massage, causing him to harden quickly. He leaned back, a slightly goofy grin on his face while Harley set her cereal aside to massage him slowly.
“Bruce Wayne suspects that it was also Joker and Harley who stole his black Bugatti Chiron. The party broke up early when the two clowns broke in and proceed to unleash a chemical attack. All the guests were affected by…”
Here, the young man started to laugh. He snorted, covered his mouth as he started to speak again, then snorted on a laugh again. “The guests were transferred to Gotham General with...explosive…”
The young man began to laugh.
Harley giggled. “Puddin, did you do that?”
Joker, who was grinning from ear to ear, completely relaxed while Harley transferred her hand from outside his boxers to inside, shook his head. “Not me. That’s all him.”
“They were transferred to Gotham General with explosive...with digestive...distress.”
The young man’s co-anchor was glaring at him.
“I’m sorry, Derek seems to be having the giggles this morning. The royal couple, as well as other guests from Bruce Wayne’s party were transferred to Gotham General with explosive diarrhea.”
She stopped and frowned, clearly unclear if she had read the news correctly, then turned to talk to someone off camera. “Is that true?”
The viewing audience could hear the laughter of people off camera. Joker grinned. “Hah! Let’s see Bruce Wayne live this down. Talk about party pooper!”
The young woman sighed. “We are having some technical difficulties. We’ll be running a story on how Superman was seen surfing without a surfboard over the weekend.”
Joker grinned at Harley.
Harley giggled taking her hand out of his boxers and jumping up to playfully straddle his lap. Joker chuckled, grabbing her ass and pulled her close so that she was positioned perfectly over his erection. He thrust up against as they both sang, their arms around each other giggling like children.
“When there's defilement in the bowl,
and it's burning in your soul—
They both broke down into fits of laughter.